Pirates of the Caribbean Houseboat Cruise 2003

Eight of us rented a houseboat for a 3 day tour in Ontario's Thousand Islands on the St. Lawrence River. We met at the Lone Star Restaurant, but due to the noise factor, the discussion was moved to a rock wall by the fountain at Kingston?s Waterfront. Rocks and shoes were used to keep the wind from blowing away the various charts, maps, brochures and papers provided for the presentation. The most difficult part was trying to locate Cedar Island on the map. While all of us poured over the charts, it was Wendy who finally tapped us all on the shoulder saying, "Who cares where it is on the chart - it's right there", she said pointing at Cedar Island which was right in front of us, 1/4 of a mile away.

It was decided that we will all meet at 1:00 p.m. sharp at the Houseboat Holidays in Gananoque at Clark?s Marina for our orientation and instruction course. Go out #2 highway until you?re about 2.5 miles from Gananoque. Take Clark Drive to the right and follow the signs to Houseboat Holidays. The course of action chosen was to leave from there and head over to Alexandria Bay for supper and pub hopping. From there we we will cruise over to Lyndoche Island for a heartwarming welcome from Uncle Billy (if I get a chance, I will actually notify him that we?re coming). Saturday we will motor through the Thousand Islands to Kingston and head up the Rideau Canal to Brewers Mills where we will receive another heartfelt welcome from Kevin and Sheila and their hot tub (if I get a chance, I will actually notify them that we?re coming). Mooring plans for the night were not discussed. Sunday morning we will make our way back and if we have time, perhaps check out the sand beach on Wolfe Island. We can either return the boat Sunday night or if anyone else is game, we can spend the night and return it by 9:00 Monday morning.

Additional Information: There is a 12 volt plug for cell phones only?other than that ? no electricity. There is a coffee percolator on board and they will supply any additional lifejackets we need. Pots, pans, cutlery, linen, blankets and pillows are all supplied.

Pirate paraphernalia (i.e. telescope, peg legs, hooks, eye patch, swords, bandanas)

Snorkeling gear, bathing suits, towels, toiletry items (i.e. toilet paper, soap)

Dave ? 24 hamburger buns, tent, 16 hot dog buns, 2 loaves cracked wheat and sunflower seed bread, pop tarts

Paul & Sue ? 2 lawn chairs, CD Player & batteries, first aid kit, 2 single and 1 double air mattress, margarine, bagels, ground beef, coffee and a plank.

To get us in the mood for looting and pillaging we had a pre-parlay the Tuesday before setting sail. Wendy, Don, Sue, Paul, Malcolm, Kathy and myself met at Kelseys for supper and then all of us but Malcolm paid big bucks for our exclusive and much sought after front row seats, to see ?The Pirates of the Caribbean?. Sue, Paul and I wore bandanas and eye patches.

The crew met by the dockyards at Clark?s Marina near Gananoque, Ontario at 1:00 p.m. Provisions were loaded onto our houseboat, ?Moonchild?. After a brief ?parlay? we changed the name to ?The Black Pearl?. By sheer coincidence, Paul had made a ?Black Pearl? flag which we raised at the front. Once we had everything stowed on board, Neil came over to give us a quick run through. He was very thorough and answered all our questions. He said he would take us out to show us the controls. We got the condensed version of charting, reverse, forward, left and right. If you had never driven a boat, it definitely did not make up for hands on experience and practice. All in all, the orientation took about 15 minutes. We thought we would have to chug all the way back in to the marina to let Neil off but instead he handed the wheel to Malcolm and abruptly said, ?Here?s my ride? and stepped off the deck into a waiting speedboat leaving us in charge of a $50,000 38? houseboat.


THE MOONCHILD BEFORE THE HIJACKING	BLOWING UP THE INFLATABLES	KATHY & ROB PLAY A QUICK GAME OF TENNIS

It's amazing. You need a license for a small boat, but anyone can drive a 38' houseboat with no prior experience. The thing was a work of art to drive...as Neil said, ?much like driving a brick?. Don and I elected to do all the docking since we were the only ones with experience but in reality blind monkeys on cocaine would have had just as much hope of steering it, as we all found out. When you turned the wheel, there was about a 15-20 second delay before it actually reacted, so basically you were compensating all the way. Seen from the air, our route would be described as serpentine.

Over the course of the next three days, we all took turns piloting and navigating. Those who weren?t driving spent their time tanning on the roof, organizing the interior and playing a card game called ?Chase The Ace?.

Sue replied, ?How about the loser has to streak once around the outside of the houseboat?.

Today we made our way towards Ivy Lea at our top speed of 10 mph. At one point I took over as navigator for Paul. I vigilantly charted us through a maze of rocks that were marked, as Paul weaved back and forth chewing nervously on his fingernails. Paul?s shift was over so he handed the wheel to me. I showed Don where I?d left off on the chart as Paul boasted of his miraculous journey through the reefs. Don looked at the chart and said, ?You?re in the wrong spot ? you passed by those rocks an hour ago?.

While Don charted, I found the center spot for the wheel and we marked it by wrapping saran wrap around it. Now, at least we had something to go by. Weaving improved a little. Don carefully charted us into Eel Bay. He did an excellent job, except that we had no intention of going anywhere near there. Once we figured that out, we did a 180 turn and did some backtracking. And of course, we had our inside joke regarding the "Soup Nazi" from "Seinfeld"..."No soup for you!!!"

We circled my Uncle?s Island marked as Ash Island on the chart but more commonly known as Lyndoche Island. Don drove us in to Peck?s Marina for $40 worth of gas. Don did an excellent job and was awarded his docking badge. I took over and drove us to the public docks and earned my badge as well. We both felt pretty good as it?s a little daunting coming into a crowded marina surrounded by million dollar boats and realizing that the barge we were driving does not steer. To celebrate, we all got up on the roof and relaxed for a while. Don asked the captain of the boat next to us where the ?Head Office? was. That was the name of his boat, but he didn?t get it and explained in detail how to go up the ramp and turn right and follow the signs etc. Once we had relaxed to the point where we could hardly walk, we strolled up to the marina restaurant for supper. I had to wheel Don back to the boat in a wheelbarrow. It may have been coincidence but we now seemed to have the exact same brand of beer glasses in our houseboat cupboard that the marina restaurant had.

Before heading out, we elected to do some more relaxing on the roof. I decided to get my camera. It was at the back of the boat, but the ladder down, was at the front. I stood at the back contemplating taking a shortcut. A rogue wave made my decision for me (or it might have been Mike?s Hard Cranberry that gave me a shove). The next thing I knew I was flying through the air and landed upside down on Malcolm?s cooler 8 feet below, spilling some of the contents on the deck. Malcolm appeared instantly at my side, concern showing on his face as he asked, ?Did you break anything??

Still dazed, I tenderly probed my ribs and replied, ?I?m not sure yet, I think I?m just bruised?.

?Not you ? I mean my beer!?, yelled Malcolm while shoving me roughly aside onto some stray ice cubes that had spilled out of his cooler. I did a little dance, skating around on the ball bearing like cubes, nearly tumbling over the railing on the far side. I yelled ?help? but Malcolm had already dismissed me and was engrossed in categorizing his various beer bottles back into their respective places.

Sue and Kathy were still hogging the air mattress as Don piloted us in to my uncle Bill Browning?s island. Hugh Hefner himself came down to greet us in his bathrobe and led us up to the tower room where he had his man servant, Stos, prepare us our requested drinks. Malcolm was last to arrive. After being introduced, Bill gave him his customary greeting saying, ?Well, don?t just stand there?anchor your ass to a chair.?

We mentioned we might visit Boldt Castle tomorrow so Bill whipped out a documentary video on it, which we watched. Paul cracked us up with his ?Cable Caller? tape. We took a tour of Camp Browning then most of the crew went off to the more comfortable guest rooms for the evening. Wendy, Don and I stayed on the barge. I told Wendy I was going for a midnight swim hoping she would spot for me. She told me later, that she heard me scratching the floor in her bedroom. It never happened. Later I filled up my super soaker water gun and sprayed the outside windows of all the landlubbers. I returned again around 3:30 a.m. I couldn?t help noticing that Kathy had closed the curtains in the farmhouse bathroom this time?but that?s another story.

Wendy informed me she was going swimming. I remembered last night and went back to sleep. She said later that she nearly drowned when the cold water took her breath away. I thought I had heard someone panting for help.

Don appeared from the shower with the suggestion that you not drop the soap as the drain is just an open hole to the water below.

Various chefs tantalized us with exotic foods?all right, it was just bacon and eggs but it was gooooood! Heff and Stoss joined us. I found Malcolm bent over trying to light the outside gas barbecue. Down by his feet was a mountain of used matches. I had never seen so many in my life. I made a windbreak with a towel to help out but we finally gave up and used the inside stove. Kathy took all the used matches to be used as firewood on her upcoming camping trip. Over breakfast, Sue told me about the deer she had heard scraping on the walls of her upstairs room last night. Eventually we decided to set sail for Alexandria Bay, warning my uncle that we would be back this evening.

Since we would be landing on U.S. soil, we first had to check in with customs at Boldt Castle on Heart Island. The winds had picked up and we were into some pretty high seas as I took over from Rob and throttled back on the powerful 60hp motor. Spectators marveled at my control and poise. The boat crept perfectly into position running alongside the dock, then suddenly a gust of wind blew the back end out. We were now still moving parallel with the dock but instead of side on to it, we were facing it. I reversed out of there and did a 180 coming in from the other side. This was not much better. On my third attempt, after narrowly ramming the custom booth, I heard my crew heartwarmingly cheering me on with encouraging words such as, ?Slow down, slow down!!!? ?New captain please!!?, ?We?re all going to die!!? Attempt #4 was also a bit of a fiasco but gradually the beast began to tire and by attempt #5, I had broken the bucking bronco?s spirit and rode her into the docks. Despite my excellent docking skills, in the ceremony that followed, I was stripped of my docking badge.

I was elected to speak to the customs agent. I strode in to the little booth that I had nearly demolished earlier and spoke with Agent Finkelstein.

?We had a little trouble docking our ship?, I said jovially trying to lighten the mood.

?Name and boat registration? he replied woodenly in his robot voice. They seem to have absolutely no humour at all.

On the way to A-Bay, most of us were up on the roof. The waves were belting us around. Sue and Kathy were in their respective places on the air mattress and Malcolm and I were sitting side by side. Wendy joined in by placing a folding chair between us. All was fine until we hit a large wave. Wendy rocked around on her chair until it collapsed. She fell on top of Malcolm and the three of us rolled around the roof. Malcolm kept Wendy from going off the edge while I looked after the important details such as saving her book and bottled water. Kathy and Sue were also very helpful with their laughter. It reminded me of the time I was shopping with Wendy. According to her, I was shadowing her when she bent over in the middle of an aisle to tie her shoelaces?! We both went down in an embarrassing heap and wrestled around among the cornflake boxes. So, really, today was no surprise.


THE CREW AT PECK'S MARINA	WENDY PEDDLING HER MAYONNAISE MILKSHAKE	IF ONLY I HAD A TOE RING	IT'S ROB...THAT SAYS IT ALL!!

Big Rock Wall by the Fountain, Kingston Ontario, Canada

Pirates Present: Sue, Paul, Wendy, Don, Dave, Kathy


TANNING ON THE ROOF	THE CAPTAIN'S VIEW OF JEAN LAFITTE	WILL SOMEONE PLEASE LOOK OUT THE WINDOW!?


HAPPIER TIMES BEFORE FALLING OFF THE ROOF	NOT NOW, I HAVE A HEADACHE	PEACE, BROTHER!


THE STATUE OF RIGIDITY	YOGA CLASS BY THE HEAD OFFICE	MAN, LOOK AT HIM FALLOFF THE BACK!!


CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?	STOWAWAY	MUST GET HOME TO BUILD MY HOUSE


DON TRIES TO PULL WENDY OFF THE LADDER	HOME BOY & HIS GHETTO BLASTER	DON & WENDY CAN'T BELIEVE THE NEXT ROW OF PICTURES


LOOK AT THE BARNACLES ON HER!	NO ONE'S DRINK WAS SAFE FROM KATHY'S SPECIAL STRAW	TAKE ALL YOU CAN AND GIVE NOTHING BACK


DON CONTINUED LAUGHING LONG AFTER EVERYONE LEFT	EVENTUALLY WE WENT BACK TO PICK HIM UP	TAKING OUT THE TRASH


DON ON HIS QUEST FOR WAYNE	NO ONE GOT BY ROB DURING HIS SHIFT AS GUARD	MALCOLM CAUGHT A WOMAN THIS BIG


JACQUES COUSTEAU LIVES!	SNORKELING HAMILTON STYLE	ROB DOES SOME ROOFTOP DECK BOWLING


PAUL SHOWS WENDY THE WONDERS OF THE SINK	SINK HOLES OF THE ST. LAWRENCE	THREE HOURS LATER...


GANG BANGERS	HUGH HEFFNER STILL IN HIS BATHROBE	REMINDS ME OF WHEN I WAS IN THE NAM


THE CHAMELEON IN IT'S NATURAL SETTING	PAUL WEARS HIS GANG COLOURS	SARGE HEADS OUT ON PATROL


THIS ONE'S FOR YOU, ESTELLE!!	DON WONDERED WHY HIS BEER CAN WAS ALWAYS FULL	ARE YOU PAYING ATTENTION, ESTELLE?


PAUL MAKING THE ROUNDS AFTER LOSING AT CARDS	RELAXING AT CAMP BROWNING	SEVEN SEAS SANDHU NAVIGATES FOR MARINE MURPHY


MALCOLM SURVIVED THE GRUELING CUSTOM QUESTIONS	SUE EXPRESSES HER HAPPINESS	THE BLACK PEARL


RELAXING BEFORE THE PIRATEFEST	THEM THAT LAG BEHIND GETS LEFT BEHIND	THE THREE MUSKETEERS